Onze redactie vertaalt regelmatig teksten, artikels, opiniestukken naar het Nederlands. Deze bijdrage van John Cleese is met z’n eigen zwart-humoristische, satirische, droog-Britse insteek quasi onvertaalbaar. Onze verontschuldigingen vooraf aan de lezers, die zich nu zonder enige twijfel gediscrimineerd zullen voelen.
In telegramstijl: hij heeft het over de benadering van terreurdreiging en gehanteerde alarmfases in verschillende Europese landen. Over geschiedenis. Over een tekort aan witte vlaggen. Over het verschil tussen geïrriteerd, een beetje kwaad of behoorlijk woedend zijn. Over zo snel mogelijk maken dat je weg bent of kop in kas houden. Over luidruchtig verweer tot militair sabelgekletter. Over dode haas spelen en van kant wisselen. Over minachtende arrogantie en verkleedspelletjes met marsmuziek. Over vakantiedagen en glasbodem-duikboten. Over struisvogels en afgelaste BBQ’s.
En hij verwelkomt iedereen terug in 430 v. Chr.
ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2015 EUROPE
From JOHN CLEESE
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be right, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person
And as a final thought – Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.
Life is too short…